FELICIA'S STORY
I started my weight loss journey back in 2009 and I had no idea that the next six years would be the defining years of my young adult life. Back in 2006, I gave birth to my son when I was just 17 years old. During my pregnancy I gained 63 pounds. I went from 110lbs to 173lbs. Although I was hoping to give birth to a 30lb baby, it didn't work out that way.
One day, three years later, I found myself trying on everything I owned hoping to find an outfit that made me look “thin”. When I finally found one, I realized that I was dripping in sweat! How could this be?! I was only trying on clothes! In that moment I realized that something had to be done. I was feeling bad and out of shape… so out of shape that trying on clothes wore me out!
I wasn't sure how or where to start. All I knew was to “eat less and exercise more”. I started running 1/4 of a mile everyday and only eating once a day. I chose this unhealthy way because I really didn't know any better. Although I did lose weight, I always found myself going back to old eating habits… which, of course, lead me to repeatedly gain and lose weight.
Then I started teaching myself how to read the nutrition facts on the food I ate. However, I became obsessed with the amount of calories I consumed. I started setting little weight loss goals for myself, which I always reached. I felt hopeful. There came a point where I got down to 125lbs. However, I was barely eating and I was running 2 miles a day. I was eating salad and using mustard as the dressing because it had zero calories! I had become scared of calories and I refused to eat after 3pm each day. I got to a point where I was taking laxatives to push out what little I did eat. I didn't think that I was really doing anything wrong because I was seeing “results” on the scale. I was also getting positive feed back from my family and friends.
At some point I remember getting a common cold and being sick for 2 weeks. I had NEVER been that sick before. I couldn't move because I was so weak. I needed help walking to the bathroom because I would collapse half way there on my own. I knew then that I had been so obsessed with the number on the scale that I wasn't giving my body the nutrition it needed. At the time, none of this mattered though. I was scared of gaining the weight back.
I was scared because I wanted my son’s father to like me (he was my boyfriend at the time). This is the first time I have spoken publicly about this subject, but I find it crucial to my story. My relationship with my son’s father was highly abusive, both physically and mentally. Not only did he call me fat, ugly, and stupid every single day but he also put hands on me several times, leaving bruises all over my body. Due to this physical abuse I lost a couple of jobs, always having to call in sick due to black eyes, fat lips, or the like. There was a time when our four year old son saw me bleeding from my mouth all over the kitchen floor while his father yelled at me to clean up my own blood. There were other times when I wouldn't even want to see my own family because I had bruises I would have to explain. I thought that everything that happened over the 8 years we were together was my fault. I tried everything to make him happy. This included becoming what I thought he wanted in a woman. I NEEDED to be skinny no matter the cost. Needless to say, nothing was ever good enough for him. It didn't matter how much weight I lost, he still treated me exactly the same… like the scum beneath his shoe. On top of all this he was constantly unfaithful to me. I thought if I were skinnier he would no longer feel the need to go outside of our relationship. But even at my smallest (116lbs) nothing changed. I was losing myself. I began to hate myself. I was lost.
At this time in my life a friend asked me to go to a Zumba class with her. I had always been really skeptical about Zumba, but I thought why not. This is when I first came to a FITNESSforward class and MAN was it amazing. I quickly felt right at home on that dance floor. The instructor had this tremendous amount of energy! I remember watching her feet, trying to follow the steps. When I would look up at her face she already had her eyes locked on me. We made eye contact and she would nod her head at me with a smile. I thought, “WOW, out of all the people in this room she noticed me! Little ol me!” All of a sudden I didn't feel invisible anymore, I felt present within myself. It was as if all of her aura spilled all over me and awakened my soul. I left that dance room so high on my natural endorphins that I called my mom on the verge of happy tears! I went to every Friday night class from then on out. It was the only place I felt FREE. I never wanted to leave. I just wanted to stay in that beautiful space forever.
When I finally decided to leave that man in 2012, my life became drastically different. I started going to therapy once a week to help heal my emotional wounds. Although I was active, I stayed at my weight for a long time. I realized I needed to work on the inside of me before I could worry about the outside. I learned a lot about myself in my two years of therapy. I was becoming a whole person for the first time in my life. I was beginning to love myself for who I was on the inside.
After these two years of therapy I finally felt ready to reach my ultimate weight loss goal. However, because of previous weight loss mistakes, I was determined to do things differently… do things the right way. I became more knowledgeable about nutrition. I learned what foods would be good for my body. I learned which foods would give me energy and help me live the healthiest lifestyle possible. I went to Zumba on a more regular basis because every time I step on that dance floor, it’s just as exciting as the first time.
Finally I was able to say that I equally love myself on both the inside and outside. I am still growing and learning things about myself every single day. I am now in the best shape of my life… both mentally and physically.
Six years is a long time to reach a weight loss goal, but for me it was a much needed process. I wouldn't change one thing about my journey. I lost weight for myself, NOT for anyone else. And I believe that my true weight loss only started when I began loving myself from the inside first.
One day, three years later, I found myself trying on everything I owned hoping to find an outfit that made me look “thin”. When I finally found one, I realized that I was dripping in sweat! How could this be?! I was only trying on clothes! In that moment I realized that something had to be done. I was feeling bad and out of shape… so out of shape that trying on clothes wore me out!
I wasn't sure how or where to start. All I knew was to “eat less and exercise more”. I started running 1/4 of a mile everyday and only eating once a day. I chose this unhealthy way because I really didn't know any better. Although I did lose weight, I always found myself going back to old eating habits… which, of course, lead me to repeatedly gain and lose weight.
Then I started teaching myself how to read the nutrition facts on the food I ate. However, I became obsessed with the amount of calories I consumed. I started setting little weight loss goals for myself, which I always reached. I felt hopeful. There came a point where I got down to 125lbs. However, I was barely eating and I was running 2 miles a day. I was eating salad and using mustard as the dressing because it had zero calories! I had become scared of calories and I refused to eat after 3pm each day. I got to a point where I was taking laxatives to push out what little I did eat. I didn't think that I was really doing anything wrong because I was seeing “results” on the scale. I was also getting positive feed back from my family and friends.
At some point I remember getting a common cold and being sick for 2 weeks. I had NEVER been that sick before. I couldn't move because I was so weak. I needed help walking to the bathroom because I would collapse half way there on my own. I knew then that I had been so obsessed with the number on the scale that I wasn't giving my body the nutrition it needed. At the time, none of this mattered though. I was scared of gaining the weight back.
I was scared because I wanted my son’s father to like me (he was my boyfriend at the time). This is the first time I have spoken publicly about this subject, but I find it crucial to my story. My relationship with my son’s father was highly abusive, both physically and mentally. Not only did he call me fat, ugly, and stupid every single day but he also put hands on me several times, leaving bruises all over my body. Due to this physical abuse I lost a couple of jobs, always having to call in sick due to black eyes, fat lips, or the like. There was a time when our four year old son saw me bleeding from my mouth all over the kitchen floor while his father yelled at me to clean up my own blood. There were other times when I wouldn't even want to see my own family because I had bruises I would have to explain. I thought that everything that happened over the 8 years we were together was my fault. I tried everything to make him happy. This included becoming what I thought he wanted in a woman. I NEEDED to be skinny no matter the cost. Needless to say, nothing was ever good enough for him. It didn't matter how much weight I lost, he still treated me exactly the same… like the scum beneath his shoe. On top of all this he was constantly unfaithful to me. I thought if I were skinnier he would no longer feel the need to go outside of our relationship. But even at my smallest (116lbs) nothing changed. I was losing myself. I began to hate myself. I was lost.
At this time in my life a friend asked me to go to a Zumba class with her. I had always been really skeptical about Zumba, but I thought why not. This is when I first came to a FITNESSforward class and MAN was it amazing. I quickly felt right at home on that dance floor. The instructor had this tremendous amount of energy! I remember watching her feet, trying to follow the steps. When I would look up at her face she already had her eyes locked on me. We made eye contact and she would nod her head at me with a smile. I thought, “WOW, out of all the people in this room she noticed me! Little ol me!” All of a sudden I didn't feel invisible anymore, I felt present within myself. It was as if all of her aura spilled all over me and awakened my soul. I left that dance room so high on my natural endorphins that I called my mom on the verge of happy tears! I went to every Friday night class from then on out. It was the only place I felt FREE. I never wanted to leave. I just wanted to stay in that beautiful space forever.
When I finally decided to leave that man in 2012, my life became drastically different. I started going to therapy once a week to help heal my emotional wounds. Although I was active, I stayed at my weight for a long time. I realized I needed to work on the inside of me before I could worry about the outside. I learned a lot about myself in my two years of therapy. I was becoming a whole person for the first time in my life. I was beginning to love myself for who I was on the inside.
After these two years of therapy I finally felt ready to reach my ultimate weight loss goal. However, because of previous weight loss mistakes, I was determined to do things differently… do things the right way. I became more knowledgeable about nutrition. I learned what foods would be good for my body. I learned which foods would give me energy and help me live the healthiest lifestyle possible. I went to Zumba on a more regular basis because every time I step on that dance floor, it’s just as exciting as the first time.
Finally I was able to say that I equally love myself on both the inside and outside. I am still growing and learning things about myself every single day. I am now in the best shape of my life… both mentally and physically.
Six years is a long time to reach a weight loss goal, but for me it was a much needed process. I wouldn't change one thing about my journey. I lost weight for myself, NOT for anyone else. And I believe that my true weight loss only started when I began loving myself from the inside first.